Sunday, May 18, 2008

Postpartum blues ... 10 months later?

I haven't been in the mood to post. I haven't been in the mood to do anything. But, remembering that my intent is to deliver a very honest description of my experience, here I am ... to whine a bit.

Mid-terms were hard for me. I am not doing particularly well in any of my classes. Just average and who wants to be average?!

I've been wondering why I feel so awfully blah this quarter and it occurred to me that perhaps I am mourning my pre-baby self. Once upon a time (a mere 10 months ago actually) I think I could have taken this quarter's courseload by storm. Once upon a time, I had every waking hour at my disposal for study or work, the only way I find it possible to succeed. But now I am a fraction of my former self in terms of time and therefore academic achievement and I worry about my summer internship. It's scary and disorienting to do the best that I can and still fall short of expectations. I wonder sometimes what I am giving up by not waiting until the after the MBA to have a baby.

Grades, schmades, you say - but my self-esteem is deeply entwined with my academics and career and my attempts at baby + the usual work load, leaves me feeling short on both counts and in possession of a diminished self-esteem. And as baby is here to stay (bless his little heart), there's not much to do but readjust expectations ... but I'm not readjusting all that well. I just feel like I'm running in place: exhausted, with little to show for the effort.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Keep it going. Everything will turn out fine in the end.

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