Couldn't we all use some good news?

When I began this MBA trek in 2007 I was expecting to feel a lot more cheerful in spring of 2009 as I began my final quarter. I have to say, and I imagine I'm not alone in this sentiment, it sure does feel like the hard work never ends and the pay off never comes. Hard to stay motivated.

So does anyone have good news these days? Would love to hear some because I've got nothing.

Good Grief, I'm Tired

I can't believe only 3 weeks ago I was finishing the most relaxing 3 week break ever. How quickly the exhaustion returns. At least I'm not due until a couple weeks into the spring quarter when my load should be much, much lighter. I just have to make it for 7 more weeks. I really just want to take a long, long sleep. Not normally one for schedules, I am finding strict time controls for every task a necessity - which is somewhat tiresome. I prefer to just let my day flow as it may. I'm also moving into the phase of the pregnancy where there is much less room for me in the whole internal organ area. I feel perpetually smooshed ... and somewhat cranky about it.

Anyhow, I have many post I have been planning on penning, none of which involved opining on my fatigue, but I just can't think about anything else at the moment! Will try again another time.

Just don't ask me how I'm doing ;)

[Note on 10/16/08: I woke this morning having decided to delete this post but was so intrigued by the 4 comments greeting me that I decided to leave it for the moment. I've always been curious what the folks who don't like my posts/blog think. So thanks, anonymous, for sharing!]

Maybe I should take a posting break - I feel like a broken record. But hashing all this stuff out online (oddly) helps me think. Midway through my undergraduate experience I hit a very low point. A very very very low point. And so I left. I didn't plan to finish. But eventually I did. And I find myself continually battling in myself between sticking out things that are making me miserable and knowing when to try something else. My first job out of college was making me physically ill at some point. I had stopped sleeping more than about two hours each night and not even sleeping pills could help. I felt that I was losing my mind. And so I left in one of the worst job markets in the Pacific Northwest in recent history. And realized that losing my mind might have been better than indefinite unemployment. Etc.

So the part of me that is just completely ready to say to hell with the suits and corporate conversations and the resume drops and the dings and coffee chats and stock pitches worries that the part of me that has worked all these years to get a job in money management will have some serious regrets if I walk away now. I don't know what the best answer is. I know I have a terrible habit of closing off my options when I get frustrated. And I'm worried I may be on the verge of that at the moment.

And part of me says, I'm not sure how I got into this MBA thing to begin with. These are not my people. My people aren't afraid to say to hell with this. Or to try to grow carrots and goats in the mountains. Or tinker with motherboards in the garage. Or wander around the world when the mood strikes. My people don't live for their resume and their GMAT score and the next big deal. My people don't bankrupt companies for the benefit of their own pockets and set financial crises in motion or live in front of a Bloomberg screen or think penning meaningless mission statements is a day's work done well. What have I become?

I just can't bear to think about finding a job anymore. I know I'm not alone on this one. We're moving into the 2nd year of non-stop job hunting and preparation and I imagine more than a few second years are starting to really grow weary.

So, please, don't ask us how we're doing! And I'll try not to talk about it any more. Deal?

First week of classes

Now back to our regular programming ...

So I am taking 3 classes and, for the first time at the GSB, I really like all of my professors. Financial Instruments is with Nosal who is a sort of part-time (adjunct?) faculty who moonlights at the Fed in Chicago. So his teaching is a little less fluid than the old pros but he has a good sense of humor, knows his stuff and is just and all around pleasant fellow. Abbie Smith is lively, (tall!) and definitely knows her stuff (of course). And Weiss is great too. In a rare moment of sanity I dropped Fama's course (too much work for no new news), decided against a last minute add of Building the New Venture and managed to hold steadfast until bidding was done and over and I was stuck with a very humane fall schedule.

Ideally, I would take 4 classes this fall, 4 in the winter and then just have 2 for the spring when I will be busy trying to be super-mom but, given the current job climate (very, very bad), I decided to try to do lots of stock pitch preparation this fall. And in case I do get lucky enough to have some second rounds and such, I will need some slack in the schedule. But given the fact that I am hardly applying for any of the almost non-existent on-campus jobs, I do not expect the fall quarter to be fruitful on the job front. Unfortunately. Looks like I will be doing very pregnant or post-pregnant interviews which should give me some interesting stories to tell.

On the job front. Things are bad. Really bad. And honestly I think we are just at the beginning. Today I was moping around wishing I had never matriculated. And with Y unable to make money in Chicago - we are feeling very stressed in the MaybeMBA household. None of our options are pretty (poverty in Chicago vs. long distance marriage with toddler and wee one on the way). Plus I think I face a very serious possibility that I will be unable to secure a position in investment management. Primarily because so few people are hiring. And if that is true then coming to Chicago will have been a very big waste of time. And money. So perhaps this explains my curmudgeonly posts. I've been sort of wishing that the GSB had just dinged me. I know, likely foolish and premature statements ... well, hopefully so.

Let the madness begin

What a week. The onslaught of obligations and commitments this week was a shock to the system. The nausea and fatigue just gets worse. Wednesday I could barely move off the couch - which is not my usual style! To say the least. I think I'm actually finishing up my first trimester this coming week. So perhaps relief is in sight. I need to find a doctor! But instead I'm enjoying (ha!) Fama's Foundations of Finance. Against my better sense I have enrolled in 35901. I will probably drop the course but wanted to at least attend the first class. But, man! this first class reading assignment is boring.

Y's employment options are very bad right now which is incredibly stressful when we spend a private school tuition on childcare for Y these days. Allegedly one of these days I won't have to worry about money - seems hard to imagine as worrying about money has defined the last 25 years of my existence.

Ok, that's enough whining for now.

On a happier note, seem to be some great first-years in this batch ... and a few of your usual MBA-types, to be expected.

I can't even write straight ... the implications of bivariate normality have robbed me of any surplus brainpower.

The World is Ending

This week's Economist cover did a nice job of capturing my feelings at the moment. I had been mentally penning an especially cranky post about the current state of the economy but my zeal has faded. My feelings have moved from outrage and fear and astonishment to amusement. It feels like a soap opera. This is far more intriguing and exciting than a bubble. And I just don't really care anymore. If hedge funds go the way of the dodo birds, then I will just find something else to do with my nerdly self.

My eternal optimism about the underlying vibrancy/resilience of the American people has given way to a deep resentment of the political corruption (fiscal prudence, anyone ... anyone??), the stupidity of the whining masses (your mortgage terms - read and understand ... and skip that 4th home equity loan already) and the complete dismissal of the most important economic relationship: CONSUMPTION = PRODUCTION. You don't produce => You don't consume. And you consume only as much as you produce. End of story.

Instead we have a generation raised on two back to back bubbles and the notion that the best way to wealth is the latest tulip mania. And we have a government who aids and abets the sham by allowing unethical lenders to run amok and diverts precious public funds not to infrastructure and energy efficiency and affordable education and efficient health care but to Halliburton and bridges to nowhere.

Ok. So maybe I'm not just amused.

Yeah, recruiting is not a happy time in MBA land. But we're going to be fine. And we'll probably still make plenty of money. I'm worried for the rest of my family and friends for whom money is not easy and options are not plentiful. I'm angry that it's hard to see demonstrations of what delights me most about this country - success through hard labor, welcome of immigrants, separation of church and state, the appreciation of accomplishment and intellect in our highest leaders, suspicion of a bloated and imperial government, a commitment to living within our means and providing better futures for the new generation.

Sorry. This is a preachy post and obviously, American history is rife with inglorious and foolish moments, arguably much darker than these unfortunate days. But that this was all completely avoidable, pains me most. What good were the hundreds of years of economic history and study if we couldn't avoid the most blatantly obvious bubble? What good are the regulators if they can't enforce the most basic laws of lending? What good are our risk officers if they're expected to be compliant yes-men?

But that is how I feel at the moment. It does feel that the world as I knew it has ended. I guess I can only hope that that's a good thing!

Learning to love the job search

In honor of Labor Day I spent the day gearing up for the big full-time job search. Morning was a flurry of non-finance searches, checking postings on the New York Foundation for the Arts, dreaming of a more beautiful and interesting life than spreadsheets and CNBC, and trying to figure out how much arts administrators make anyway. Afternoon was a return to reality - when you're used to finance industry pay, it's too hard to do anything else, especially given my "no job is utopia" philosophy. And one reason I decided not to pursue a career as an artist in the first place was that I found too many in the field to be obnoxious, faddish and ill-educated.

I'm trying to keep a positive outlook and feel excited about carving my post-MBA path but really I'm pretty anxious. I can't think of a career or employer that I feel unequivocally passionate about. The full-time corporate conversation calendar looks a bit slim. Little comes up in my GSB job listing queries. The economy appears to be crumbling around us. And my belly grows a little larger with each passing day. With 80,000 ibankers prowling the streets of New York and assorted financial capitals in search of a good hedge fund job, who is going to hire the obviously pregnant lady sans pedigreed resume? No one. Time for an investment in some serious foundation undergarments.

Meanwhile, my mom let me know that she will be absolutely devastated if I don't move to Seattle after graduation. Y's mom seconds this. Guilt and angst, the best combination! (My fantasy life is Seattle in the summers, New York fall through spring.)

I cannot wait to get back to the GSB and into the reassuring arms of career services! Let's get this week over with already! There's job hunting to be done.

Actually, it's just the same old story

I always feel like I'm underperforming. (Now I just blame it on Baby Y.) But it all seems to turn out in the end.

Here's to suspending disbelief :)

Postpartum blues ... 10 months later?

I haven't been in the mood to post. I haven't been in the mood to do anything. But, remembering that my intent is to deliver a very honest description of my experience, here I am ... to whine a bit.

Mid-terms were hard for me. I am not doing particularly well in any of my classes. Just average and who wants to be average?!

I've been wondering why I feel so awfully blah this quarter and it occurred to me that perhaps I am mourning my pre-baby self. Once upon a time (a mere 10 months ago actually) I think I could have taken this quarter's courseload by storm. Once upon a time, I had every waking hour at my disposal for study or work, the only way I find it possible to succeed. But now I am a fraction of my former self in terms of time and therefore academic achievement and I worry about my summer internship. It's scary and disorienting to do the best that I can and still fall short of expectations. I wonder sometimes what I am giving up by not waiting until the after the MBA to have a baby.

Grades, schmades, you say - but my self-esteem is deeply entwined with my academics and career and my attempts at baby + the usual work load, leaves me feeling short on both counts and in possession of a diminished self-esteem. And as baby is here to stay (bless his little heart), there's not much to do but readjust expectations ... but I'm not readjusting all that well. I just feel like I'm running in place: exhausted, with little to show for the effort.

Goodbye Motivation

Is anyone else suffering from this problem? Can't seem to keep my attention on the screen and away from the sunlight fluttering on the leaves. Thoughts of summer vacation dance in my head. Sigh ...

Baby + MBA = Ouch

As you may have gathered from recent posts, life feels hard these days. Honestly, I sort of hate all my classes. Not because they're bad (though one in particular is a let down) but because I have absolutely no interest in being in school at the moment. My enthusiasm for ye olde MBA has abated in a big way lately. A few too many study groups and painful business jargon incidents and missed exercise opportunities for my taste these days. The thing that keeps me going every day is the idea that some day (ever pending) life will get easier. And it doesn't. And once in awhile I wise up to the reality and feel very blah. Like now. I keep encouraging women to take on work and baby and baby and MBA and, honestly, it's absurdly difficult. It requires some serious masochism. Maybe I should have taken a year off or the upcoming summer off ... but too late now! :)

In the spirit of truthfulness ...

Most of the time I feel like I might explode

:)

I dream about dropping one of my classes and taking the summer off.

Baby Y's incoming teeth seem to be bothering him a lot this week. Poor little guy.

Y is watching There Will be Blood. Watched No Country for Old Men recently. Both excellent.

What was I thinking??

Let's just say, it's going to be a very busy quarter. So much for a restful spring filled with regular exercise and home cooked meals. But at least the weather is lovely! (To gaze at through the window.)

Taxes Make me Grumpy

I finished our federal return in a record four hours today. (!!) Typically it takes me weeks - though I'm not done yet prowling for undiscovered credits and deductions ...

In Oregon we had state income taxes (no sales tax). In Washington we had state sales tax (no income tax). And in Illinois, where my husband works for an out of state company and I pay a zillion dollars in tuition, we get the benefit of paying income and sales tax. Nice. Not sure what they are doing with the tax funds in Chicago as the infrastructure seems to be falling apart.

To Not MBA

Confession: tonight I am having serious doubts about this degree. Frankly, it's hard not to feel like I would have been better off taking all this tuition and starting my own business. I'm sure it's passing but it's the first time since arriving that this feeling hit me so clearly. What the hell am I doing here? I'm not a "suit". I have no interest in walking one more person "through my resume". Read the f****g resume and then let's talk about something real. Like investing. To think that employers spend all this time and money to pick a few interns who they are most likely not even going to extend full-time offers to. Has it occurred to anyone that maybe there's something wrong with their interview process? Maybe we should spend less time talking about why I left my first job after 10 months or how I feel about teamwork and more time about what businesses I think are worth investing in. I had someone ask me if I thought my financial skills were good ... ummm. I pointed out that I had I had passed all 3 levels of the CFA ... and another guy ask me if I felt comfortable with math ... ummm. The answers seemed so obvious I couldn't quite figure out how to answer them at all.

Sigh. Anyhow, it's really just one big sorting process. Eventually I'll find someone who thinks behavioral questions are a crock (I know, I know, there's value in getting to know someone - but too many of those questions and I just lose interest) and meanwhile the other folk will find their "suits" with the glib answers.

Cheers.

Hanging in ... barely

Not much to say here. I am hanging in but worried that I'll be so run down for my second rounds that I'll completely biff my opportunity to get a final offer. I am so jealous of first-years who interviewed with one-round companies. Can you imagine the joy of getting an internship after a nice 30 minute chat on campus? Not having to fly around the country for day long grill-fests, defending the intracies of your macro outlook or financial projections, all the while knowing that the odds of getting an interview are still not in your favor despite your best efforts?

I had the worst mid-term of my life on Monday - I studied but was just so brain dead I could barely get through it. My goal is not to fail that class which is, to say the least, not my usual mindset about classes. Thank you, grade non-disclosure. I have another mid-term next week and am heartily behind in just about everything right now. (As I believe are many of us right now :) I'm trying to just get the most of out this quarter's classes without beating myself up too much about my performance. It's just hard when you know you could do so much better but just don't have the time/strength to do any more than you are already doing. Welcome to life, eh? Ha.

I appreciate the frankness of the anonymous GSB poster (on last post). I wonder if some of my "positive attitude" on this blog stems from the fact that my identity is so thinly veiled ...

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day which is a holiday that I normally dislike, but this year it's really rubbing salt in the wound. I seem incapable of celebrating anything other than getting through one more interview or showing up to class on time. I still think the MBA is worth it but won't be if I lose a husband in the process. Sigh. (Married prospectives beware - the MBA is not spouse friendly. I know you've been warned, and it's true.)

On to the next quarter ...

Classes begin tomorrow. I have 8:30 classes Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday which is how I like it. Forces me to get out of bed and do something with my life ;) and leaves my Thursday and Friday free which is preferable, especially if I have to travel this quarter.

This quarter I am taking:

• 30117 "M&A Accounting" is how I think of it. I think this is not commonly taken for IM folk but it was a subject that I'm curious about and don't feel well versed in. I am taking it with Bens, a visiting professor from Eller (e will be flying in every week to teach the course), rather than the super popular (and therefore expensive) Sapras. I'm cheap.
• 33032 Managing the Workplace with Stacey Kole. It fulfills the HR requirement and hopefully will have a manageable work load. I'm looking forward to it though since it's not something I really know anything about. Closest would be my Labor Econ class in undergrad.
• 37000 Marketing is the first course at the GSB that I had to pay points for (grrr). I'm excited about the class though because, unlike my first quarter, it's completely out of my current realm of knowledge. Marketing baffles me. I'm very curious to see what it's all about.

Next weekend is wInterview - an all day "workshop" to get us prepped for interviews. By the end of the month on campus IM interviews will be in full swing. It feels so soon.

Truth be told I am quite anxious about the recruiting process. On the other hand, I know that it will all work out one way or the other and I'm not hell bent on getting a job with one employer in particular. Part of me secretly doesn't want to do an internship at all this summer - I just want a break - that part of me would be thrilled if I didn't make it on any closed lists, or get any internship at all. Silver lining in every cloud or something like that .... in the grand scheme this is all so irrelevant. I'm very fortunate. I have such an easy, comfortable life in comparison to the challenges that the bulk of the world population faces every day. I have nothing worth worrying about. (I needed to say that, it's so easy to forget.)

Back to my stock pitch prep.

To a GSB free weekend

So things are on the up here since my emotional Tuesday.

• Met with two career advisors (second years who have some expertise finding internship/employment in a particular industry), one from PE and one from IM.
• Attended my first VC/PE student group function.
• Discovered I can take free ballet classes on campus :) (free is an excellent price).
• Had a completely GSB-event free weekend which (no offense to the GSB) was much needed. Spent the entire day with the family trying not to ponder the 'what do I want to be when I grow up' question. Baby Y slept through our visit to the Lincoln Park Zoo - I'm excited for when he's old enough to appreciate kid activities. The zoo was a baby extravaganza with herds of strollers.
• Still tempted by the "ease" of recruiting for straight buy-side equity analysis position but thinking I'll still try to do VC this year. Will be a learning experience ... (and the prospect of never reading 10K footnotes for my living is awfully appealing.)
• Laptop now expected to arrive in early November (!), yikes. Bah.
• Still battling Rain Fitness (Seattle gym) to stop billing my credit card. They are corrupt assholes - future/current Seattlites, do not give them your money! Time to get out the big guns - $42.47 per month adds up! (#$&^%#$#!)
• It's too bloody hot here for my mild Pacific Northwesterner taste. The air conditioning in our apartment barely works. Where is autumn?
• And why is there no Trader Joe's in Hyde Park? Students = TJ's. Seems simple to me.
  

Melt Down

I finally just hit this point of utter fatigue today. Completely forgot about 2 lunch events I was planning to attend and just trekked home after 11:30 class to the refuge of my apartment to eat left overs. The onslaught of email is mind numbing. I need to set up some filters. I just need to get organized in general. I still am completely perplexed about whether I am going to focus all of my energy on venture capital or if I want to have a back up plain vanilla investment management plan. Or is there some other career I'm overlooking?? (the ever present question) I simply cannot afford to get distracted. But it's terrifying to launch myself headlong towards some hypothetical goal that I'm not entirely sure is the best fit for me. (I can hardly form proper sentences today.) I was seriously considering dropping out and taking my tuition money while I have it - start a business or something. How stupid would that be?

Well, off to do homework. Here's to hoping for an easier Wednesday.

(The key to surviving this experience methinks is keeping a little distance - doing some non-bschool things now and then. And not worrying so much about missing out by not attending every lunch and learn to come through town :)

Coming home and cuddling Baby Y is a fantastic antidote. He just doesn't give a damn about my resume or leadership skills or lunch plans. He's just soft and squishy and excited to be alive.

My bank failed!

Sheesh, just what I need at the moment. Not that there is ever a good time for one's bank to fail ... I know banks do fail but I never expected it to actually happen to me. It's too bad, I liked Netbank. So much that I convinced my sister and mom (just this summer) to become customers ... :(