Mother Love

It strikes me that women who express concern that they don't love their newborns as they should might be being a bit premature. Although I found newborn Baby Y pretty remarkable, my feelings were more of astonishment and curiosity than deep love. For me, the love grew over time, as it does with any relationship. And it has grown to become overwhelming. Additionally, my feelings about working as I approach graduation are definitely more complicated than they were when I entered school. And unlike the opinion-less newborn I arrived at Booth with, I am now mother to an increasingly opinionated little boy.

The week before last I skipped virtually all my classes and hardly moved from the couch which Baby Y thought was just fantastic. We read books and cuddled and whenever he went out with Grandma, I was right there on the couch when he he got back home. So this week with me back on the regular schedule, was a hard adjustment. And I actually thought on Thursday that he might be mad at me. I didn't think 20 month olds could get mad but he refused to have anything to do with me when I got home that night which was crushing.

It's been an incredibly unproductive weekend. And I don't mind. I just want to spend time with Baby Y. Every homework assignment just seems trivial and useless compared to foregone or distracted hours with him. Normally, Baby Y goes down for bedtime and naps without a peep. We put him in his crib, wave good bye and go on with life. But today he was completely beside himself if left alone. We held him and sang and rocked for a good hour. And that's all I wanted to think about. So many times during my life at Booth, I have wanted Baby Y to take only the pre-allotted time in my daily schedule so I could get right back to homework or interview prep or stock pitch research. My reasoning at the time was that it was all for him. Ultimately, the preparation would turn into a good career for me and a college fund for him and happiness for my family.

What I'm wondering these days is how it will be with two little ones. How I can bear to send them to daycare once we leave Chicago, assuming my mom returns back to her normal life, and is no longer full-time grandma. Will entrepreneurship will give me the freedom and flexibility to be with my babies or whether the all-consuming nature of starting a business will prevent me from feeling as though I'm ever fully present for children? Would a summer spent as a full-time mama leave me satisfied or frantic and bored? But it's interesting to reflect on how much I'ved changed during bschool: month by month my childless identity grows fainter in my mind, and the mother love grows deeper. It's an interesting ride.